Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
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*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
That’s easy for you to say
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.