Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
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When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
I think they could have phrased this better
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
The funk soul brother
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
My good tweets are in my other pants.
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
Autocorrect is my menesis
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣