Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
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*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
🥶🥶🐶🐶