Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
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My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
Wait for it
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
Jokes on them. I took 10.
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep