“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
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I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
Me: *checking into maternity ward*
Hey, so remember that time when you took the baby so I could sleep?Nurse: Ma’am, this child is seven.
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.