“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
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This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game