“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
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the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up