Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
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Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.