Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
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I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
my dad when a sex scene comes on
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.