Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
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[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
😩😩😩
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
This is my emotional support knife.
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today