Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
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Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
asking santa clause for nudes
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
Good point.