@BoydPetrich: Shouldn't Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
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@meganamram: I don't need to watch the debates, I read a bumper sticker the other day that totally convinced me
@Gre_Gone: [loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] "OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?" *ducks try to play it cool*
@_correctomundo: Nephew: What's love? Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink. Sister: Get away from him!
@KKAlThani: "Dad, how did you fall in love with mom?" "Well, son, long story short I saw her picture on Instagram and it was love at first...filter."