Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
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I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is a portal to another dimension.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.