Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
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Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
asking santa clause for nudes
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.