Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
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if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
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No, why?
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.