Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
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Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
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If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
Saint West, the patron of selfies
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.