I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
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This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
My 8yo had his hair styled nicely this morning so I asked what he put in it to look so good……and he said it was oil from the pan I roasted broccoli in last night.
You really can’t make this stuff up.
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself