Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
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In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
The cashier just checked me out.
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
Same post same
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed