Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
You Might Also Like
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.
Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”