Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
You Might Also Like
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.