SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
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love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
Room with a view.
Oxford comma: I had eggs, toast, and orange juice.
University of Phoenix comma: I had, eggs toas,t and, orange juice,
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
PER MY LAST EMAIL
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*