SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
You Might Also Like
and this one
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
the way this pissed me off… 😭
BETRAYAL
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
Looking at you, Jesus.