Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
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[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
I wear jogging pants underneath my running pants in case I need to slow down.
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.