My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
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If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
This is so me 😂😂
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish