shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
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As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.