shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
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Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
Probably my best painting.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?