Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
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Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.