Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
You Might Also Like
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office