[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
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The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
My wedding will be open casket.
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]