Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
You Might Also Like
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
Well. That’s not a good sign.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.