Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
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MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet