@Phoebetate: Shout out to my body for reminding me that, while I'm too old to have the tiny waist of a 15yo, I'm not too old for a pimple on the forehead
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@weismanjake: I'm a vegetarian and when people say to me "you know Hitler was also a vegetarian" it always reminds me how many Jews I've been killing
@DanMentos: “I’ll have a rum and coke” Is pepsi ok? “Sure whatever” *hands you a pepsi and coke*
@lisaxy424: [show about dog training] Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with Me: where can i get one of those
@jsteele3966: So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.