@Phoebetate: Shout out to my body for reminding me that, while I'm too old to have the tiny waist of a 15yo, I'm not too old for a pimple on the forehead
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@beefman138: Historian : Rome wasn't built in a day. Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He's right, you know, it was built in Italy.
@rolldiggity: I bet chickens have mixed emotions about Thanksgiving, because they're safe for a day, but why aren't they good enough for a holiday meal?
@DanMentos: "How can I help you? Hi I'd like a root canal "Are you a patient here?" No "Who referred you to us?" No one "Ok then why-" I have a Groupon
@suntzufuntzu: [Antiques Roadshow] When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame