Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
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One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
Just how popey was the pope today?
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
♫ All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ♫
Yup!
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.