Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
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Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about