Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
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#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
You have been warned.
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife