Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
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“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes