@BatBatshitcrazy: Shout out to my neighbors for the 2:00 am fireworks; I hope you enjoyed my 7:00 am weed whacking.
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@KenJennings: I don't really like the idea that James Franco might be in my grandkids' history textbooks.
@thenatewolf: *holding my crying child* Me: I know, earthquakes are scary. So maybe next time you'll be good and I won't have to make that happen again.
@Underchilde: Counting to ten after someone pisses you off gives you time to think of somewhere to bury them.
@mattZillaaaa: [on a 1st date] Me: I'm just looking to take things slow Her: *in a wedding dress* me too