@BatBatshitcrazy: Shout out to my neighbors for the 2:00 am fireworks; I hope you enjoyed my 7:00 am weed whacking.
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@yoyoha: "I DON'T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT'S WHAT WE'RE CALLING IT" - Guy who named the sweater.
@FlyJ_: [Gives husband a list for groceries] He brings home 1/2 of what's on the list and someone else's kid.
@hippieswordfish: *newspaper headline* BIDEN'S EMAIL HACKED -'it was easy' the hackers said 'his password was 'password'
@SortaBad: Why I don't get dates: Her: It's been light-years since I've had this much fun Me: Actually, a light-year is a unit of distance, not time