@BatBatshitcrazy: Shout out to my neighbors for the 2:00 am fireworks; I hope you enjoyed my 7:00 am weed whacking.
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@rad_milk: as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
@SharkJelly: [At Adele Concert] Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide Me (shouting): Tell us your surname
@ericsshadow: WIFE: [crying] guess what my sister just told me ME: she's a liar WIFE: are you saying her dog didn't die? ME: [wiping sweat] I love you