[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
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One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
No way!
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*