@BatBatshitcrazy: Shout out to my neighbors for the 2:00 am fireworks; I hope you enjoyed my 7:00 am weed whacking.
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@StevieKnip: lawyer talking under his breath: "guiltypeoplesaywhat?" suspect: what? lawyer: no further questions your honor
@JessObsess: Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.