I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
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Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.