*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
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eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
that colleague who touches your screen
smartest karate player in the world
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
Who does Amazon think I am?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs