Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
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[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”