@markydoodoo: Shout out to my sweatpants for loving me through thick and thicker.
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@FatherofTweet: Guy stole my bike so I got in a cab & said follow that guy! He said sure, whats his twitter name? We laughed & hi-fived & I need a new bike.
@Underchilde: [Minister]: Do you take this woman to be your lawful— [Groom]: I’m just here for the open bar.
@heykarlin: Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say "yeah, she left me for Charles Manson."