Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
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I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.