@markydoodoo: Shout out to my sweatpants for loving me through thick and thicker.
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@ericsshadow: If your wife is a school crossing guard, you're missing a huge opportunity if you don't tell people she's into human trafficking.
@thatdutchperson: [first date] Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know? Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally