I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
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Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.