Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
You Might Also Like
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters