shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
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How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”