[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
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mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
Apparently my friends have been spreading rumors that I have a gambling problem. I’m not sure who leaked this, but my money’s on Josh.
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.