Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
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Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
Saturday
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?