Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
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This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
Twelve years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe that he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish