Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
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As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*