@RocketRankoon: Shout out to Pringles for admitting they're addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
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@VerifiedDrunk: A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that's not a sacrifice I'm willing to make for love.
@jordan_stratton: Whelp. It's December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
@mstluvstrinkets: Playing play doh w/ 3 is just her ordering me to "make elephant! Now teapot!" As if I have the artistic ability to create more than a ball.
@LoriLuvsShoes: A CW told me for the 50th time that her baby learned how to walk so I told her"if you really wanna impress me lmk when it learns how to fly"