@RocketRankoon: Shout out to Pringles for admitting they're addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
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@djdarrellripley: Her: In case you're interested, I'm dying. Me: Then I'll only set one place for dinner.
@jenstatsky: FUN THING TO WRITE ON A POST CARD: "Weather is great, having tons of fun! Are you still planning to murder your mailman?"
@david8hughes: [police car behind me] Me: shit, was that a red light back there? My dog: like a light grey Me: ... My dog: if that helps
@TravLeBlanc: What's worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.