Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
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[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
Florida man
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
Body by cheese-puffs.
Always…
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
What in the hipster hell is going on here
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*