People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
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ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
50 shades of grey = my Liver
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins