Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
*jazz hands*
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
“The Perfect Relationship”
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.