Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
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[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.